Not As I Do
by MissAnnThropic
Summary: Some days, I think I'm going to break. And when I break, I'm going to break hard. Dean POV.


Title: Not As I Do

Author: MissAnnThropic

Spoilers: I Know What You Did Last Summer/Heaven and Hell

LiveJournal: miss_annthropic(dot)livejournal(dot)com

Summary: Some days, I think I'm going to break. And when I break, I'm going to break hard. Dean POV.

Author's Note: I was watching "I Know What You Did Last Summer"/"Heaven and Hell" the other night, and I was getting major Dean/Ruby vibes. I was startled, in all honesty. I didn't notice them the first time around, but boy did they jump out at me the second time. And I thought about it a bit and decided that Dean/Ruby makes so much sense. Maybe as much sense, if not more sense, than Sam/Ruby. If you're not following me on that, let me just explain that I feel the show has treated Dean as WAY less screwed up than I think he ought to be after being in hell.

* * *

I don't know what is wrong with me that I would first rip into Sam for sleeping with a demon, then turn around and do the _exact same thing_. I figure we're both pretty screwed up in the head, me and Sammy, but this is a new low.

And I try to say that Sam was right, that Ruby's different from other demons, but she is still a demon and _that_ should be the end of the story.

And the whole time I'm banging her, I'm thinking it's probably just something that yellow-eyed son of a bitch didn't think to try, a way to really screw with the Winchester boys that's every bit as evil as burning our mom, but part of me doesn't care.

Because Ruby and I have something in common, for what little sense it makes. I'd knife her in a heartbeat with her own special demon-killing knife if it was to save Sam, and she'd do the same to me if it would save Sam. And that I can get. Sam comes first, before me and her and the freakin' apocalypse. Why only me and this demon bitch get that, why the damn _angels_ can't figure that out, is baffling to me, but whatever. It gives us common ground, and apparently that's enough for me.

I don't really understand what it was for Sam that set him to humping the bitch, but you know what? Maybe I don't really want to know. There's only so much of my baby brother's kink I can handle knowing.

Bad enough that we're sharing a demon skank.

I think Sam knows. The minute I stopped meaning it when I threatened to kill her on sight every time she turned up, Sam knew. He's smart.

Smarter still, he doesn't say a word about it. Yet another one of those dark places we don't go with each other. Funny, how I bust out of hell and find out there's a lot of shadows between me and Sammy where things hide that I never noticed before.

Ruby's a skeleton in both our closets, and I'm not going to show mine, so Sam can just keep his.

Ruby must do something for Sam, though I can't imagine what.

I know what she does for _me_. I brought hell back with me. For all the play-acting I do with Sam that hell was just a 'rough patch' I lived through, it owns me every second of every day. And the pretending and the faking and the ignoring it like it will just go away is driving me crazy.

I'm not talking 'communing with pigeons in the park' crazy. I'm talking 'serial killer goes on murder spree on the five o'clock news' crazy.

Some days, I think I'm going to break. And when I break, I'm going to break hard.

I learned some scary-ass shit down in the pit, and when I lose it, I'm _really_ afraid I'm going to hurt Sam.

So I hurt Ruby instead. She's not human, so I don't have to be careful about how rough I am with her. I can break her, bruise her, make her bleed… it doesn't matter because she's a demon and I have a lot of hell to vent. What better target, right? A human chick couldn't take the crap I do to Ruby. And she takes it. Hell, some days when I need it, she dishes it.

I never used to be into that before, but hell changes a guy. Sometimes, some days, I just want the taste of blood in my mouth. I want to feel flesh tear under my hands.

She gets that, and I don't have to say it. I just carve it into her, instead of into the world, and Sam's safer for it.

I came back with this hole, this _blackness_, inside me, and no one on earth can understand it, _no one_… except a demon.

I could never talk to Sam about the things I do and feel with Ruby. I'm supposed to protect him, and that includes protecting him from what his big brother has become.

I like to think I'm doing it for Sammy, having my S&M way with a demon to bleed off whatever is building up inside of me, because I can justify anything if it's for Sam.

I may kill Ruby one day, just because I want to. And I think she knows that. When we're together, unleashing the abuses we've had to suffer on each other, I can see in her eyes that she might kill me one day, too. Just because she wants to.

And the _really_ twisted thing about all this? I'm okay with that.

END


End file.
